Yes, I know what time it is.

I know this blog is supposed to be the afternoon drunkard, but isn't it all relative? I decided to break the rules a little because there is one place that would be a perfect fit for this topic in Vientiane, but it doesn't open until 7 or 8 at night. I'll write up a review of the place once I can figure out how to spell it.
In the meantime, I've posted two rather unflattering reviews - one in Luang Prabang the other in Vientiane (both are major cities in the country of Laos).
Once I get back from the jungle, I should be caught up on my notes so I will add some more, or maybe I'll create a whole separate blog for resturants and bars so that we professionals can keep the Afternoon Drunkard pure!

Bottoms up! Happy Staggering.

Khop Chai Der, Vientiane, Laos

I don’t know why I drink here. Every time I come to Khop Chai Der in Vientiane it’s one problem or another. If it’s not a case of missing change or price gouging, I’m stuck next to a know-it-all “world traveler” or one form of crazy or another. So why have I returned so many times to Khop Chai Der?

Well, for one, the eleven-hour happy hour begins at 9am – yes, that’s correct, 8,000kip drafts from 9am until 8pm. Another reason is the people watching is great. The clientele ranges from 80 year olds with 20 year old wives to confused backpackers just of the bus wondering if the food is safe to eat (of course it’s safe, it’s one of the most prominent locations in Vientiane).

I’m not sure of the history of the place. My guess is a Euro ex-pat with a background in Hotel Food & Beverage saved up his quid, stole a bunch of waiter’s jackets and headed off to Laos. In the end, I salute the efforts of Khop Chai Der because the ambiance is fine, the location central and if you can get over the frighteningly similar energy of a tourist trap Salty Dog on the Jersey Shore, it’s not bad. Also, did I mention the happy hour?

Hive Bar, Luang Prabang, Laos

Possibly one of the worst destinations in Luang Prabang is the Hive Bar. I always thought hives were full of bees but not Hive Bar. Hive Bar is a swarm of nobs.

I’m pretty relaxed about drinking with children, but like all professional drinkers, I have my limits. Here’s how it’s done kids: decide what you want; when you are certain, get the bartender’s attention; tell them what you want; when they give you your drink, pay them. If you change your mind at any point after ordering, that’s fine – that’s what you can order NEXT TIME. End of lesson.

Next. I’m pretty relaxed about mediocre bar staff, but like any professional drinker, I have my limits. Here’s how it’s done boys and girls: When you get to work in the afternoon and there are no customers, DO YOUR SIDEWORK. I know it’s a hell of a lot of fun standing around aimlessly on the sidewalk watching the motorbikes go by, but this is not advised. Why? Because when the kids show up it is not then time to start cutting pineapples and chopping mint. Why? Because the professionals will not wait while you dick around with blender drinks – they will leave because Lao Lao Garden is only a few steps away.

Ok, now let’s talk about prices and specials. When the menu says “single shot – 20,000kip” and the same menu says “Spirits – 2 for 1 until 9pm” there is one, and only one, way to interpret this. It means two shots of spirits for the price of 20,000kip. It does not mean two shots for 25,000kip “because happy hour” as the bartender last night explained. When, as a bartender, you try to pull this shit on a professional drinker, a few things will happen. First, the customer has been betrayed and they will NEVER RETURN. (I know, Hive Bar, you’re really upset about this). Next, the betrayed customer will tell their friends or even worse, they might have a blog where they review bars around the world which means others will not come. Also, and maybe more important to the Hive Bar staff, your ancestors will spin in their grave because you are being deceitful – your are ripping off potentially good customers for a whopping 5,000kip. (US$0.50).

So, here’s the wrap up on Hive Bar in Luang Prabang. Ye, who are nobs and clueless to the complexities of ordering a drink, you have a perfect posing perch in Luang Prabang. Ye, who want a simple drink served promptly and honestly, avoid Hive Bar – unless your are trying to pull (get laid, in American), in which case, there seems to be an abundance of bags of hammers, so it shouldn’t be too difficult.